Monthly Archives: July 2013


Letter to Carla


My dearest Carla,

Thank you for the help!

It’s the first time in years since i could express myself,  and really finish something. For me, the feeling is so powerful and i wish you could feel it too.

I couldn’t finish this story without you … you have to believe me on this one … the past month was a hell of a ride and it only took 10 seconds, almost every morning, of you, passing by my window.

Only 10 seconds … It was enough ?! … It’s never enough.

I am feeling like a shell at the bottom of the ocean with a grain of sand in my heart … and you … were a gentle current that shaped that grain of sand into a pearl … the pearl is this story, my secret, my dream … and i want you to have it.

Is this the end of the story ? … who knows ?! … but one thing i know for sure … we just have to keep on writing … chapter after chapter.



Final Chapter

The Meaning of Life


What is the meaning of life? Why are we here? What is the purpose for being born? What it means to love someone? Why do we cry? Why do we suffer? How can we achieve happiness? What is faith, destiny? God exists?

Normal questions you all asked sometimes or the lucky ones never asked and never will.

We are born with our destiny written in the stars, or in a file on God’s desk? I don’t think so, God is not that boring, he has the greatest sense of humour, he has this unique ability to create worlds and this is really something, but he’s not doing all in detail, like a sculptor or a painter, he just creates the rules based on what things function, things are born, evolve and die, the process between being steps to different checkpoints. He loves to see that.

That’s how we are born.

We come into this world with a set of rules embedded, that define us as individuals, health, looks, initial personality, past life experiences, prices we have to pay and the final check box, i’ll come back to that later.

We grow up, we experience smell, taste, pictures, sounds, touch, all this shaping ourselves, and after that we experience love, pain, rejection, hate, deception, again love, on and on.

And some day, we fall in love. What is love? How do you know it’s love?

You feel it right in your heart, not the stomach, not the brain, no, you feel it right in your heart, the fire is burning and it burns you, but you want one thing and one thing only, to put more kerosene, over and over again.

And please everybody do me a favor, love the other one exactly as he/she is, unconditionally, just like the parents love their kids, no matter what. Don’t keep cutting the tree year after year expecting it will grow better. That goes also for friendship. If you have great expectations, you will have great deceptions.

I realized one thing, you have to think, think, think and think again at every major step in your life.

Also, i start to believe strongly the encounters in our lives, people and events that have a huge impact on us, good or bad, are not random, those are God’s checkpoints. He sets the rules and watch us grow checkpoint after checkpoint, every lesson learned, every debt returned, every thing we do, and if you learned your lessons, then the big check box will be checked and you have evolved. If not, no problem, you’ll have many chances.

What we have to do is to have the guts to stand there in all the cross roads in our life and choose and don’t you ever regret the choice you made, it was the right thing to do back then.

It’s funny how we don’t see the things that can teach us the best in life, those things being right in front of our eyes. You just have to pause a little and really see around you, it’s not hard, it’s very easy actually.

And what if you made a big mistake in your life, and another, and another. Look deep, all those mistakes might have only one reason they happened, one pattern, and if you get the seed, you’ll understand what you have to change. Suffering will be no more.

The reason of all suffering is the fact that we went very far from the essence, we want 3 cars, 2 houses, all the new gadgets, all the clothes, to look like people on TV, to be famous, to have the most Likes on Facebook, to be on top of the others and we miss the small things that have the biggest power to make us really happy.

Dreams and secrets are therapeutic, you know the saying “we are defined, primarily, by the things we are hiding.”

Beware with dreams, don’t stay there forever, always get back to reality and go back when you need it, just like bed time stories.

The whole world, nature, us, were made with God’s rules and fueled with divine energy, look around you, everything follows this pattern and when you intervene too much things get broken and then you have suffering.

You want to be happy? It’s easy, keep your eyes open, love, hate, dream, cry, smile, regret, smile again, love again with all your heart and everything you do … keep on dreaming, do all the good you can, go with the flow and paddle when it’s necessary.


Chapter Fifteen

That morning


That morning i was looking through the window as usual, with a cup of coffee thinking about this and that. I had things to do but i wasn’t in the mood for anything.

It was a sunny day in june, not very hot, pleasant, the usual people in hurry to get to work, the usual kids in hurry to get to school, just an usual morning rush.

Suddenly everything stopped.

There she was, the cutest little girl, my angel, was walking hand in hand with grandma, she was waving at me smiling. I rushed outside, she let go grandma’s hand and ran towards me as i went down on my knees.

– Daddy, daddy !!!

She was greeting me the way she always do when she’s happy, she came with her little face one inch from mine and with the little fingers she was tickling my face smiling and then, she wrapped her hands around my neck and squeezed as hard as she can as i was standing up. I threw her three times in the air and she was laughing so hard. I stopped and hold her in my arms.

– Daddy, daddy, are you done with the work for today?!

– No my little angel, just a few hours and i’ll come home to you.

– You’ll take me to the slide?

– Yes.

– You’ll take me to the big store?

– Yes my love.

– And we’ll take mommy also?

– Yes my love … we’ll take mommy too.

Here i am, the harsh reality, holding my daughter, my little princess, the light in my eyes, the fuel of my soul, the only thing that keep me sailing, i hate my job, friends are gone, my passion put to sleep, my creativity shot in the head, marriage on free fall, i am going down in the abyss, with nothing to grab on, not a single stone or root, with no one to really talk, no one to really be there for me.

Suddenly everything stopped … again, 10 seconds … Carla was there …

She was in a hurry, the face of a doll, spotless milky chocolate skin, no make-up i think, wearing glasses, not so tall, not so short, not very athletic, not chubby, strong feet and strong walk…….the eyes, i can see the eyes, the lips, i can see the lips, awesome lips

5, 6,

… she looked at me … she smiled … i smiled … 9, 10 … she went around the corner.

Even skinny Lizzy was there, with her gold tooth like everyday, she was begging for money laughing all day, and i think she got some money, she bought an egg and went in a rush to boil it i think, she was happy, she’s always smiling. She stopped and turned to me.

– You are not a fool, you had to be there, you know … dreams … no one can take that away from us.


Chapter Fourteen

The Z Day


[One year later – almost dawn]

– So ?! Tomorrow you’re a free man ?!

Hawk grabbed me around the shoulder.

– It’s over man, i’m going home, i never felt this before, not that powerful. Tell me you’re be alright man … promise me.

– Only if you promise me to take care of my sister, she is special you know ?! She really needs to be happy, we had some ups and downs in our lives, she deserves to be happy, at least the time you’ll be together, take care of her.

I reached my hand to him and looked him in the eyes.

– I promise !

I turned around and exit the iron bars door and i heard Hawk loudly.

– Hey Mark !

I turned around.

– You were right man !

– With what ?!

– The encounters man !

Smiled to him, turned around and walked away.


Stood in front of the huge prison metal door as it opened slowly, siren ringing like the romans were attacking. It was a little windy outside and that siren was making the day more gloomy that it was necessary. The set was perfect for a movie scene and the kid in me felt that.

Clouds in the sky, the wind blowing, the only light was from the light beacon going hand in hand with the siren, here and there, as the clouds moved a faint light touched the earth. I was looking to the ground, the only thing missing was the revolver and the cigar in the corner of the mouth.

I looked up, in front of me, by the side of the road, near a solitary light post there was my trailer, Carla was leaning on it, hands crossed.

– Need a ride handsome.

She couldn’t hold a smile for the cliche she said. My face went stone cold.

– No !

– What ?!

– You called me a jerk you know !

She opened her arms with the cutest smile on her face.

– Huuuuug ?!

We hugged and kissed like the world was about to end … how can i describe the feeling … oh … i know … we were so in love.

We got in the trailer and went with the dusk, i was driving, and Carla was resting her head on my shoulder with her arms wrapped around my arm … she fell asleep … i could feel she was relieved.

We drove the long road back, she slept like an angel, and i kept kissing her hair from time to time.

The clouds were going home, the sun was pushing them gently and started to embrace the earth with his warmth, the colors were just like in a fairy tale, deep green in the grass, deep yellow in the fields, marble clouds felt alive as we entered Happyville.

I parked the car back at the docks, Carla woke up.

– Morning … sorry … what did i miss ?

– Me ?!

– Haha! You bet !

And she shot me with a kiss … i loved that.

– Mark, do you remember the first time you saw me ?

I reached my hand to her.

– Let me show you.

She grabbed my hand impatiently and i took her to the window of the trailer, she sat down, i put my hand on her shoulders and get my head leveled with hers.

– See ?! You were coming along the docks … 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 and you went around the corner.

She turned and looked into my eyes.

– And it was enough ? …

– No ! It will never be enough.

I felt a tremor in her body, her eyes were drowning in joy. I get down on her still holding her hands in mine.

– Carla ? …

– Yes …

– I love you.

– I love you too.

– Please merry me.

– I will, i will, i will.


I woke up with her in my arms, i just can’t get enough of looking at her, she’s my angel now, she will always be, i kissed her hair again. She woke up.

– Morning angel !

She yawned.

– Sorry, morning.

And again she shot me with a kiss.

– Mark, you know what they say … you have to meet my mom …

– Haha! Alright.

– Mark ?!

– Would you please take me home, i have to tell her the big news, you know Mark, i have to prepare her, she is old and sick and i don’t want to shock her … i love her very much.


[SFX: rrriiiiiiiing, rrriiiiiiiing, rrriiiiiiiing]

– Yes.

– Mr. Lecter ?

It was Carla, she was acting, playing.

– This is Mr. Lecter speaking, with whom i have the delight to talk?

– This is Carla.

– Oh, my dearest Carla, what can i do for you?

– I have the greatest pleasure to invite you tomorrow for lunch at the Fleurs de Lys mansion.

I couldn’t resit laughing.

– Fleurs de lys ?! Hahaha ! You crazy you …

– Hahaha !


I must admit, i was so nervous, i was feeling very peculiar, but the process was good for the moral.

Here i was, so fresh, so clean, dressed up, i went classic, the prettiest flowers in one hand, chocolate and wine in the other and to bring a touch of originality i printed all the photos of us starting with the first picture i took her, glued them on those old, vintage looking paper, punched some holes on the sides and wrapped them all with a red ribbon, pretty clumsy but honestly nice if you ask me. 🙂

[SFX: knock, knock, knock]

She was rushing down the stairs, she opened the door … light … she opened the door of heaven.

– You look great.

– You’re not that bad either.

– These are for you …

– Oohhh, they’re so beutiful … thank you, come in , come in.

She rushed me in.

– You’ll be alright! Come, she’s upstairs.

We went up the stairs hand in hand … she opened the door of a room so neat, very clean like every thing was supposed to be there, warm rays of light where invading the room, Carla’s mother was in bed, she turned her head slowly hearing us.

– Oh no ! Please God, no !!!

– Mrs. Hackelby ?!

My atoms stopped moving, Carla was not far.

– Do you know each other ?!

Mrs. Hackelby and i went right at the same time.

– Yes !

Carla’s mind was spinning.

– How … when … where ?!

– It’s ok Carla … ok … we’ll explain. Mrs.Hackelby …

Mrs. Hackelby took a deep breath like she wanted to finish this once and for all. She looked at me to get a silent approval that if she leave outside some things, i should be alright with that. I approved.

– Carla my dear, this world is huge, there are many people living on it and you have to pick the craziest, annoying, pushy, “i’m going to extremes” guy on the planet …

– Why are you saying this ? You have to continue mom …

– We met while i was at the “Thousand Oaks Hospital”, we had some unpleasant talks … that in time … became interesting …you know Carla, he helped my with my hand.

Carla was relieved.

– I will never forget that day, you caress my hair and you touch my face for hours.

I smiled, Mrs.Hackelby looked at me, she smiled back.

Fog was gone, we were all at peace and i felt warmth again … it was the rays of light or the way people feel when they are honest and open. Mrs.Hackelby sent Carla away to get something from downstairs and as soon as she left she looked at me and show me to sit next to her on the bad.

I was sitting next to her, she put her hand on my leg.

– Mark, you have to promise me something, look into my eyes and really mean it when and if you’ll promise me.

– Alright Mrs.Hackelby.

– You have to be very, very, very sure you’re in love with her and you want to be together, take your time, and if you’re really sure, do what ever it takes to make her happy … i am sure she can do this for you. You know Mark, she took care of me since she was little, she sacrificed for me, i’m old, i’ll be on my way soon with my sorrow but she deserves a life full a happiness and joy.

I looked into her eyes.

– I promise you she will be the happiest.

Tears were coming from her eyes … she reached for her pocket and hand me the green envelope.

– Mark, I want you to have this … please look at it every time something goes bad … then, you should see that others felt more pain all their life.

I took the envelope, opened it and read it again.

– Do you still miss him, Mrs.Hackelby ?

– Every second of my life … i wish i could see him just one more time … i chase him away … i chose this path … i met my doom.

As i listened to her i was looking at the letter, the writing of a man in despair but still a strong writing, everything on the letter, the size, the spacing, was radiating sorrow, but in the end he kept his back straight, the signature was so proud … John Powers, with a little cross like the cardinal points, up on the J.

That cross up on the J … my mind was rewinding, fast forwarding, people, faces, places, papers … oh my God … it can’t be …

– I have to go !!!

I flew from the room, rushed down the stairs, bumped into Carla, she dropped the tray.

– I’m sorry !

– Where are you going ?!

– I’ll be back soon ………….. i promise !

Got in the car, slammed the door, start the engine and put the pedal to the floor … behind me, havoc, oleander leaves were flowing in the air.

I hit the brake so hard that everything was thrown at the front of the trailer, got out of the car, left the door open, went into the bakery running, i looked at Mr.Rivers.

– You are John Powers !

– I beg your pardon ?!

I put the letter on the table and pointed the signature with my finger.

– The little cross up on the J, i saw it the night before the festival when i was helping you get the papers in order … the cardinal points, you are Captain Powers.

He looked at me, his face went from rage to a smile, he leaned back on his chair …

– And Carla ……………….. she’s my daughter … my sweet Carla …

– Why did you do that ?!

– She wanted me to promise her i won’t come back for her and i kept my promise, i sailed for miles and miles but i never stop thinking of Jane, she was my north star, i cried inside but kept sailing. When i find out she was nailed in bed i couldn’t resist, this was the thing that got me away from the sea, i changed my name, changed my look, hair, weight, beard, you know, what could be changed dramatically, came here and opened this bakery, my father was a baker. I kept my stupid promise half way because of Carla, she is an angel and i love her so much and i saw Jane whenever i could, in the evening or night, when she was sleeping, i found any stupid excuse to help Carla. It was so hard but it worth it.

– Life …

– Yes my boy … life … mistakes, vanity, pride, love, hate, suffering, secrets, happiness.

– You have to have it all or nothing …

– Yes my boy.


I explained everything to Carla, she got back with her father, in fact he was like her father all this time, they cried together and stayed in each other arms, they were happy.

But we all have the greatest test ahead, to tell Mrs.Hackelby about Mr.Rivers. For days we asked ourselves how can we say this to her, made thousand scripts but in the end we agree on something.

I said to her one day.

– Mrs.Hackelby ?! … What do you think happened with Captain Powers ?

– Hahaha … oh my son … he must be on the oceans of the world or better with his wife and kids and maybe nephews.

– You know what, Mrs.Hackelby ?! What if i’ll go search for him ?!

– Hahaha ! You crazy boy, i know you can do that boy, you’re crazy enough ! Your wedding is coming around the corner, you have nicer things to do.

– Never say never …

I smiled to her.


It was indeed the happiest day, Carla indeed was an angel when i saw her in the white dress floating on her body like milk on the finest chocolate, i felt again the atomic explosion and the shock wave, but this time it was massive.

Everybody was there in the back yard.

Emily and the other kids were helping Carla to but ribbons in the trees, Doc and Dorothy were talking about the latest treatments, even Lizzy was there with her gold tooth laughing as she blow a hand mill, Mr. and Mrs. Fredrickson were walking around hand in hand, Mrs.Hackelby was in her wheelchair and i was next to her.

– Isn’t it beautiful Mark?!

– It is … maybe this is happiness.

– You’re right.

Suddenly, the back yard gate opened and this tall strong man was walking towards us, he was dressed as a ship’s captain and he was holding a big flat box in his hand.

Mrs.Hackelby was shocked, i grabbed her shoulder, she felt i was here for her, Carla came and take my hand in hers.

Captain Powers came in front of Jane, one knee on the ground and he gave her the present.

– I was thinking you can paint now … feeling better with your hand.

She burst into tears and they have embraced like the world was ending.

– You came back to me …

– Yes … you were always the reason.

We were alive, we were together, we were happy.


Chapter Thirteen



Where is she ?! I tried everything to contact her ? Where are you Carla ?!

Every day i remembered the last night together, the day we were out sailing, with earthquakes in my heart, i really missed her, if i only had a bigger window i could search for you, if i had a better view i could see you coming, if i had bigger wings i’ll fly to you.

Was something wrong with her ? She’s avoiding me ? One thing is for sure, i’m going to search for her if i’ll get out of here alive.


[Almost two years later]

– Yo, Mark, wake up man! There’s a guy searching for you for days.

– Who?!

– Don’t know man, name like a bird or sometin’. He’s in cell block 5.

I jumped from the bed.

– Hawk ?!

– Yeah nigga’, it’s the Hawk motha focka!

Rushed out of the cell, looked left, looked right like he’ll be there, but i knew he’s in cell block 5 duh, you know, twisted mind under pressure, rushed down the stairs, ran the entire cell block, and another, and another, Steve was looking at me with calm with the hand pointing upstairs.

– Cell 4 …

– Thanks man!!!

Up the stairs to cell 4, i was done running, hands on my knees.

– Hawk ?!

He turned his head to me surprised.

– I’ll be damn !!! Mark my man !!!

I took a deep breath.

– Hawk … you’re killing me … 🙂

– Hahahahaha !!! I’m sorry man, i’m really sorry.

– No problem. How are you?! Everything ok?!

– Besides the fact that I’ll be in prison for the next eight years, yes, i’m ok. 🙂 Seriously now, i’m alive and well. I got transferred here and there and searched for you, and here we are man, we meet again.

– You know what they say Hawk, some encounters in our life are not random, the people that shape our lives are there on purpose.

– Mark, i have this strange feeling and i don’t know if others have it … i didn’t do any bad things to people all my life, not that i recall, i always wanted to be better, to make the world a better place if i may say like Miss Universe. And one day the shit really hits the fan and your world turns upside down … is it fair ?! I killed a man, self defense, i killed him, i must stay here until that, i had very bad moments in my life and i always asked myself why is this happening to me, we shouldn’t get what we give to others ?! …

– Yes, i find myself thinking this way but you know what the buddhists say, we have to pay the mistakes in the past lives and shape our way to Nirvana, life after life.

– They don’t close the accounting books when you die, don’t they?!

– Haha ! No, no, no, they keep on counting till the balance is achieved.

– Think so ?!

– Hell yeah ! … We just have to learn our lessons. My problem is why don’t we learn, why do we do the same mistakes over and over again.

– Some do it, some don’t. You just have to be wise sometimes.

– How do we know when ?!

– We don’t know Mark, but we feel it, it’s not just the brain, it’s also the heart.

– What do you mean?

– I heard this theory that the heart has some synapses, just like the brain, the brain being in charge of reason and the heart being in charge of the soul and the most special messages we receive and send.

– Like when you fall in love …

– Exactly! It’s not the butterfly in the stomach bullshit, it’s the energy you feel it right inside your heart, it hurts but it feels divine, some say it’s only the brain … i don’t.

– And you just can’t stop it, the beautiful pain is there no matter what and it stays there crying and screaming at you.

– The fire burns and it burns you and it just want to be put off.

– Neaaah, no no no Hawk, it doesn’t want to be put to sleep, it just wants you to keep pouring some kerosene, over and over again.

– Hahahahaha!!! Mark, my man … You’re in love …

– Hawk, as much as i like the way you think, between us it will never be more then a friendship.

– Hahahaha, you idiot ! Don’t you like me at all ?! 🙂 We’re in prison, what better excuse do you want ?! :))

– Hahahaha !!!


[A few days later]

Early in the morning i was getting ready for the sunday visit, my mother was feeling well and was on her way to the prison. She was devastated when she heard i’ll be in prison but she’s a strong woman and she was quite supportive, just like any parent would do for his kid.

There was this open visit room, metal tables and chairs bolted into the concrete, we were all there, equal, every scum of the earth was around family and loved ones, holding hands, kissing the little kids, smiling, loving.

Isn’t it funny how sick people in a hospital are equal no matter how rich or poor, powerful or not, ugly or beautiful, they are suffering, the same amount, with the same intensity, they are feeling the same thing.

It’s also funny how a bad thing brings good, it’s the law of nature, law of God if you like, you can’t have one without the other, something grow, something gets smaller and then they switch, over and over again.

My mother came to hug me with tears in her eyes.

– My boy …….

– Don’t cry, you promised me!

– Alright, alright. How are you my son?

– Excellent! Never been better! 🙂

– You crazy boy, you and your humour … maybe this got you in all this trouble …

– Maybe you’re right, but i’m working on it.

– Are you in good health, are they treating you good, the food is good, you lost some weight?

– Food?! They don’t give us food, it’s something else. And i’m good, i got lucky mom, i have some good friends that take care of me … i got really really lucky.

– You are lucky, i think you always been, not in the way to win the lottery, but really lucky in the end.

I looked above my shoulder, you know, things you get when you’re in prison and at the other table there was Hawk, facing me, he waved to me smiling.

The world just frozen, my heart was going 300 miles per hour, Carla was there, right at Hawk’s table, after two years, i saw her again and again like the first time i saw her, again for a few seconds … she looked at me and turned her head away from me.

I looked down, she looked down and talked for herself.

– Please God, no !

Hawk got that.

– What did you say ?

– Sorry … do you know the guy over there … at that table … with the old lady …

– Mark ?!

– Do you know that jerk ?!?!

– Yes! Why do you call him a jerk ?!

– Because he’s the master of the jerks, the slimiest maggot that ever walked on the face of the earth, he’s the only creature God didn’t knew he made and if i’ll tell him he will puke.

– No he isn’t !

– Yes he is !

– No he isn’t !

– Yes he is !

– Carla stop ! He was there that night, he kind of saved us, we could be dead right now if it wasn’t for this guy.

Hawk was a really smart guy.

Carla was smarter, she made the connections, she get off the chair and walked towards me, i felt a rush of blood to the head, she said to me while she put her hand on my arm, she was crying.

– I’m so sorry … Thank you for helping my brother …

I took her in my arms and squeezed her to get back all the time lost and whispered in her year.

– I looked through the window everyday, maybe God will send you again to me.

– And he did.


Chapter Twelve

We Are All Angels


Even i felt my colleague to be ok, i didn’t have a good night sleep, you know, in prison, they are good to you until you get in debt and then the circus comes in town … to be honest, i slept with my ass “glued” to the wall.

The first weeks were as normal as can be in a prison for a new inmate, a few guys asked for cigarettes, i don’t smoke, they beat the shit out of me, another bunch of guys asked for drugs, i don’t take any, they beat the shit out of me and someday as i expected some guys come around me in the showers, i said no, they beat the shit out of me and this being the foreplay in this world, four of them were holding my arms and legs and the fifth one was “getting ready”. I couldn’t move, drips of blood coming from my nose mixed with the water, i was so still, like a stone. The world collapsed.

No, it didn’t.

– Hey, hey, hey, boys … hold your horses !!!

“The surgeon” with like ten so ugly looking guys looked at me and my love bird.

Love bird went crazy and i can’t blame him. 🙂

– The fuck do you want ?!

Surgeon with a calm voice.

– The little shit is ours, we all want to be friends right?

Love bird was pissed off, he thought for a second, signal the others to let go and they went away.

I felt in a waterfall of happiness.


Back in the cell “the surgeon” asked me directly.

– What do you do for a living out there?

– I’m a psychologist.

– No shit ?! Hahahahahaha !!! Dangerous job, man !

– What do you mean ?

– Never mind. From this moment you stay by my side, don’t talk unless you’re really know what to say, don’t look into their eyes, don’t take shit from anybody and show them you’re ready to fight whatever the costs, capisci?!

– Got it man. But why are you doing this? Why are you helping me?

– I’m returning a favor. But don’t you think you don’t have to pay.

One thing came into my head: don’t tell me i would be your bitch. I took a deep breath and asked him.

– What can i do for you?

– You see, there is this inmate Steve, a very closed buddy of mine and he dived very deep in this drugs thing and religion, beautiful combination huh?! He is trying to set a record or something, he beat the shit out of a dozen, inmates, guards since he came here. He doesn’t talk to any of us, he’s very violent, he doesn’t want to talk to his mother anymore, he is just in this state of machine. The thing is i know his mother and how much she suffered, i know her life and this boy is all she has. I fear he might end up dead.

– Any info about Steve?

– Well, he grew in a very poor family, his real father was  treating him and his mother like dirt, he was beating them almost daily. He grew up from police station to police station troubled kid, very troubled kid.

– Where i can find him?

– Cell block 6.

– No, not in is own waters.

– Try when he’s at this “We are all angels” religious assembly, every friday.


[Friday, “We are all angels” assembly]

– Hello all of you my fellow people. I am reverend Michael and i welcome you all those who have found God at last. We have new guys here, you sir, what’s your name?

Yes, he looked at me and also Steve was there, he was also looking at me. ME and religious assemblies, i knew things will go up in the air.

– My name is Mark.

– Good day Mark, when did you find God my son?

– I didn’t find it reverend, he was there all this time, he always pick me up where he left me.

Reverend was looking at me in shock.

– I beg your pardon ?!

– Sorry reverend, never mind, please go on with your thing.

Steve was looking at me all this time listening with interest.

– No, no, no my son, do you mock God ?

– No sir, and even if i did, God wouldn’t mind that?

– Why do you think so my son?

– Because God have the greatest sense of humor, he likes that but somehow we’ve been thought this is in no way part of the divine.

– Do you think that mocking and laughing the divine should be alright for a clean soul?

– No reverend, i think the church is missing the point of what should teach us, it is on the wrong track and  they will fail big time with people.

– Explain this my son.

He was getting nervous. I was getting nervous too, i always do in those circumstances. I forgot for what i came here, it was personal now.

– I will explain. The church is doing all this thing it’s doing for thousand of years and it was more than necessary because people lived in chaos and didn’t follow any rules, the church settle things down, it was good. But free thinkers emerged that questioned the ways of the church and started to see that there are other things of equal benefit that religion, like all the nature give us to heal the body, the spirit. What happened to those free thinkers, they burned alive. Time passed, and these days, people are not very sure that only praying is enough. The world have seen so much suffering, for thousand of years and the message of the church was the same. People changed the way they see the world, i can’t stop it, the church can’t stop it, it’s just the way it is. They went away because the things are getting worst for everybody and they started to realize that something needs to be changed.

– Like what?!

– I don’t know, but we all will figure it out, that’s the beauty of being human and when we all will see that, things will turn out for the best.

– No! People don’t came to church anymore because they forgot God.

– No! They don’t come to church because of the opposite, they started to remember the true God.

Reverend snapped.

– You think you know it all boy ?!?!  Look at this poor souls in this prison. What can you all people do to help them ?!

I didn’t wanted the discussion to blow off.

– Not to judge them … and learn from an early age to look out for each other. If we know the one sin our life that only want the best for us … there will be less suffering, and no more prisons.

Total silence …

– I’m sorry …


I went straight to my cell with my mind a mess, i couldn’t think straight, i crashed in my bad. I slept great for the first time being in prison. I woke up in the morning, “the surgeon” was beside me.

– Mornin’ man … i heard you put on quite a show yesterday with the good old reverend.

– I had nothing personal with the guy, he’s just an employee. And about Steve … i didn’t do much.

The surgeon smiled at me.

– Forget about it … maybe you already did something.

– Why are you helping me “surgeon” ?

– I am a man of few words … I was a doctor back in real world … I’m in here for 1st degree murder, done 20 years, 30 to go … guess i won’t come out of here alive. I was helped by this guy, also locked up for murder, he said it was innocent and i’m pretty sure he was, he died in prison and he spent almost his entire life in prison. You won’t be here for long but i felt i should help … you see, life just goes round and round. One small mistake can turn your world upside down … the question is if next time you will do the same.

He gathered his strength and continued.

– My sister had always bad time with men, one day she was pregnant with this guy, he left her, she found another, but the guy was a jerk, an alcoholic, scum of the earth. They had this wonderful little girl that i loved and i will love until the day i will die and beyond. She grew around fights, screaming and beatings, my family had this shitty outline not to intervene, a stupid thing, a very stupid thing. Things got worst and worst, and one day, my niece came to me crying … the cock sucker was abusing her. My life was upside down, i cracked. I had this tiny backup clandestine medical center in the basement of a cottage in the mountains, for taking care of wounds of not very nice people, you know, i was young and you can’t forget childhood friends.

– That’s why you have so many friends in here ready to do what ever it takes to save you.

– Yeah … so i kidnapped the fucker, put him to sleep cut his dick off, you know, just like in the movies.

I must admit i was in shock but i listened to him, he was not enjoying telling me this and i could tell he was in pain.

– He woke up, he was shocked, he just couldn’t believe what happened to him but he didn’t repent his sins, no, no, no, he was a macho the fucking asshole and started to shout at me explaining in detail what he should have done with “the little bitch”. I snapped again, put him to sleep, cut all his limbs, he woke up, i played the tape … he was not very thrilled … he died. I went straight to the police, i was all over the news, i am here now … justice was made.

I was shocked, shivers went down my spine, my head started to hurt, my soul was in pain.

– Justice …

– Look around you Mark, look around all the guys in this prison, who knows how much they suffered and what’s in their souls, what made them what they are, maybe they’ve done all they’ve done because of fear, maybe some are innocent and all we do is judge them. Maybe we should judge ourselves because we let that happen … who’s preventing this, the education system, the police, God?! God loves us all but he just can’t do all by himself, he needs some help from us.

– Yes … maybe we are all angels …


Chapter Eleven

End of the World


Last night not much until dawn, Carla insisted to go home and i get her there right away and i managed to get asleep for two hours when …

[SFX: KNOCK ! KNOCK ! KNOCK !] on my trailer door. I opened the door and there was the amazing police officer with this smile that made me puke.

– I knew there was something wrong with you …

– Excuse me ?!

His face went blank.

– Mark Lecter, you are under arrest for violent assault and accessory to murder.

– WHAT ?!?!?!

– Take him! And take the car and turn it upside down for evidence.

I was shocked, they were taking me to the big city, but wait … Carla … i need to talk to her.

– Officer, please, get i have my phone call ?!

The officer took my phone, said no smiling and threw it out the window, straight  in the river we were crossing.


The evidences were clear, one guy was killed by Hawk, the other two lived but to “my guy”, i did too much breaking the guy limbs. It’s funny what you can to out of fear and with the urge to protect yourself.

Things happened too fast and in a series of events very unfortunate for me, and trust me i don’t feel bad about this, i’m done doing that, there’s always this type of bad events that i encounter in very “special” moments in my life. It’s not a bad thing, it’s not a good thing, just this is how it goes with life, balance. Don’t feel bad when bad happens, just wait a little and see what comes next, in almost any cases you’ll be surprised.

I had the worst lawyer and the worst jury, all the planets were against me, i heard Hawk got around 10 years, i got 4.

I felt like those kamikaze pilots going down … Mom, i’m screwed, i’m sorry!

I gathered all my strength and called my mother, i was walking on egg shells but i made it through, she was not in good health but she felt me i accepted my situation.

Carla didn’t answered my calls for days. I called at the bakery, she was not there, something was wrong, very wrong.

Time to go.


Do you know the term from the movies as the Dutch angle? You know, in old horror and thriller movies where the shot is oblique and shot from below the subject to emphasize tension and peculiarness?

I was looking through van’s window and i couldn’t get the whole picture of the huge prison building so i tilted my head and looked up. Even the sky was cloudy and in the dimmed light, the trees, the only life sign were looking black as hell. What can i say, the perfect Hitchcock movie. There are some places in this world that are filled with negative energy and we just can feel them, the state prison gave me the exact feeling, is it because the bad people inside or is it because if the actual suffering of the people inside?

All i ever heard and see on TV were in my face now, i was so nervous i could cut a tree by just holding the chainsaw, with the power off.

Inside my head was a mess, all i could think of was the good things i will lose if i will not get this punishment to the end. But it’s not easy to stay focused when you know you’re in hell. Survive man … calm down … calm down … you just have to put on your best show … you know … it may be your last one.

I stepped in this small cell, door shut loudly behind me, my senses turn full speed on. There is this old guy but very strong, looking at me with the eyes like stone, i couldn’t get any feeling from his eyes.

The first challenge, two beds, strong inmate, me, a first timer, so i dropped the first bomb.

– So any bed i chose it’s taken right ?!

Stupid bomb, one of the most stupid thing i have ever said, and trust me, i said lots of crazy stuff.

He grabbed me by the neck with his strong arms and put me against the wall. I was kind of levitating and sprayed all over the face as it gave me the “introduction”.

– Listen to me you piece of shit, don’t give this bullshit attitude you fucking filth, if you don’t behave i’ll make sure you’ll be eating through a tube for the rest of your shitty life and when i’m done with you, i have some friends in cell block eight that will give you the long chain of steel like there is no tomorrow. Do i made myself clear ?!

Me, still levitating, i nodded trying to get some air in my lungs.


I nodded again.

I was down, trying not to die, it felt really hard that moment. The guy went on the bed below but all this time he looked at me every second, i felt it.

I get myself together and promised me that i should think like i never did it again, got on the bad and started to assess the situation.

“The guy was old but very strong, he could have spent many years in jail so he has the physical and mental advantage of a long time inmate. I didn’t see any tattoos sticking out of his orange jumpsuit and if he don’t have any, it might be a good sign. If he don’t have tattoos and he’s interested in something else, if you know what i mean, i’m fucked, literally! I might be in a relatively safe wing, at least i dream of it. I have to be ready to fight every second, i am in constant war, because i have to survive and i have no intention of losing my ‘virginity’ “.

Suddenly, the guy spoke again.

– You should first say hello when you enter in some one house.

My bad thoughts disappeared, this is a good sign, the guy is good, the guy scanned me better and faster, he saw i’m like a chicken in a den of foxes.

I reached my hand and said sorry.

– I’m Mark.

– Name is not important, people around here call me “surgeon”. Why are you here?

– Assault.

– Don’t give me those bullshit names those fuckers made up! Why are you exactly here?

– I ran into those three guys attacking a man and a woman, i try to help them, things went wrong, the other guy killed one and injured one, i broke an arm and a leg and pretty smashed the face of the third one.

He started to laugh like crazy and he started to shout.



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