Another sleepless night. Faces, situations, Carla, Mrs.Hackelby, “Saint Mary”, people, the riots, father, brother, all of them, i tried to meditate on them, lying in bed, hands behind the back of my head.
[SFX: Rrrriing, rrrriiiiing]
– Mark, honey, i’m not feeling very well, can you come to see me.
– Of course, i’ll be on my way in the morning, stay calm and take the medication.
– See you honey.
– Take care mom.
Talking to my mother and knowing her life was a series of fights that left her in great distress, Mrs.Hackelby came to my mind. What is wrong with her, the wrist wound, the sorrow in her eyes, she has kids that look after her, i heard, that envelope, the police officer, decades paralyzed. Why did she cracked when i talked about real love and why do i have the strangest feeling she moved her arm and mu eyes didn’t play any trick on me? And then it struck me.
First thing in the morning i jumped in the trailer, put the pedal the floor and swept the town market as everybody were staring the day, exist the town and went like the wind to the “Thousand Oaks”. Entered the big metal gate like a storm and hit the brake like i have found the biggest oil deposit in the world in my yard and couldn’t wait to get to it. I rushed out of the car, left the door open, entered the Hospital and at the reception, Dorothy was looking at me with the biggest eyes stunned of fear and she said to me like the world would collapse.
– Don’t do anything stupid boy !!!
I was way past her when she finished the sentence, rushed to the stairs and arrived at Mrs.Hackelby door.
Wait a few seconds to cool down. Lizzy was laughing.
And knocked on the door.
I entered the room.
– Hello Mrs.Hackelby.
– It’s you again.
– What happened to you that day?
– Excuse me?!
– When you came to the hospital? What happened?
Her eyes started to move chaotically. I pushed on, raising my voice.
– WHAT HAPPENED?
– It’s none of you business!
– TELL ME!
I saw the corner of the green envelope in her pocket, and i reached to her pocket in full storm, touched the pocket … she touched me. She grabbed my hand and everything stopped.
– You have kids that look after you, the first think you should do when you discovered that was to caress your kids faces, not trying to kill yourself !!!
– YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING !!!
Dorothy rushed in the room with two guards full of muscles, they drag me away from Mrs.Hackelby and put me against the wall. Dorothy was shocked.
– What the hell is wrong with you boy ?!?! Get him out.
I left “Thousand Oaks” and drive the long way home to see my mother and the trip was like therapy, i couldn’t get the story straight but at least i calmed myself down.
– Hi mom!
– Mark, darling, come here my son, give me a hug.
– How are you feeling mom?
– You know, that dam’ building master, he keeps sucking money from our pockets, money, money and more money, tomorrow i’ll went to the IRS to come and see hs papers, the thief … calling me a pain in the back.
– Mom, mom! I’m here for about 2 minutes and there you are, conflicts, always in conflicts … You said you were not feeling well.
– You’re right honey … During the day i’m ok … but in the evening … i get this pain in my arm and my head hurts … maybe it’s the loneliness. I really miss your father … it’s 15 years since he died, this year he would have turned 70. And i also miss your brother … did you talked to him lately?
– Not really, we talked on the phone about this and that, his family.
– It’s years since he didn’t came to see me … i love him very much, i gave him everything, i didn’t provide you not as close as i gave to him.
– Mom, not again, you gave both your kids the same, the same love. The problem is that you never let go of him, it’s years since i’m telling you this … and i never could make you realize that …
It’s almost ten years since my mother and my brother speak to each other once in a few months and during this time i was the closest observer of the love and pain my mother experienced. I wish i never been there.
The love of a mother for his son, i think it’s the deepest love i have ever seen. This is real love. The mother gave him everything and put all the love in him, he had everything he ever wanted, he was happy, she was happy.
She loved every little thing he did and she was alright with all his decisions, complete freedom.
But also, she is a woman of conflict, she lives being in constant conflict with someone and nature retaliated. Her lack of happiness come from her ability to follow her outlines and being in total control despite the love she is capable of giving. This came to be above all, and this “killed” her.
People go their ways, offsprings leave the nest, it’s the human nature, it’s DNA, it’s God, you name it.
Husband lost, son alive but lost, she was stuck with the only one left to get her up when she fell.
Maybe this is real love, giving everything to the other one not asking for anything in return and the first that do that are parents with their kids.
Think about it, if you screw it up bad, and when i say bad, i’m talking about shit really hit the fan, who are the ones that reach you a helping hand, unconditionally? Some give their kids money for drugs because they can’t see them sick for a shot, i’m not talking about this, i’m talking about going the extra mile, getting into the fire for someone. If you get this with the loved one, you’re a lucky bastard.
That test came to my mind, the test of unconditional love: take the wife and the dog and lock them in the trunk. After three days, open the trunk and see who is happy to see you.
I spent three days with her, “patched” her up emotionally because i could never heal her and that left me again with a big regret in my heart.
At the night fall i get to Happyville and as i get to the docks, Carla was there on her way home.
– Need a ride?
– Oh, hello! Thank you!
She jumped in the car.
– How was your trip?
– Almost identical to the others.
– Everything is alright?
– Yes, yes, don’t worry. What you were up too these days?
– Writing and writing and i can’t wait to get home, i kinda feel inspired.
– Great! I’ll step on it then.
I felt a punch in my stomach but i loved her enthusiasm and smiled. Womanly she felt my stomach getting punched.
I stopped in front of the house and she get down, she stopped for a moment and turned around.
– Mark, when i’m writing this book, i’m feeling so great because i’m so connected to the story for quite some time. I’m trying to invest all the time i have int this book.
– Carla, look at me, i understand. Take your time.
– There are lots of chapters you know …
Is this some kind of woman game, i didn’t knew but i smiled.
– I’ll be around here.
– I’m planning a three volume book.
She was pushing?!
– Three million, how many do you want, as long as you need, but please keep in mind that men die before women do so if you’re planning to release the book on your death bed, there’s a big chance i will be clay on the local pottery shop.
She was stunned, she didn’t knew what to do or say …
– I’m not talking to you anymore.
I started to laugh and went my way.
– Good niiiight Caaarlaaaa, seeeee yoouuuuuu arouuund …